Tuesday Thoughts
April 21, 2015
I've noticed recently that my nose is crooked but it doesn't bother me since my glasses seem to hide that flaw. They also manage to hide that my left eye is a lazy eye and smaller than my right. Not to mention if I get a pimple my glasses tend to cover that as well. I stare at myself in the mirror a lot, not out of conceit, I just end up day dreaming. Sort of. I wonder what I look like to other people. I came to the realization once that to others you don't have a "good side" or a "bad side" because they see your face straight on, not taking in your left and ride side of your face as different from each other. Unless they're a freak and just want to see how symmetrical your face is, but I doubt that happens often. Now I know most of my flaws, physically at least.
I'm still working on sorting out my flawed personality. But everyone has flaws so it doesn't make me feel too bad. I always wonder what people immediately think when they look at me. My friends always say I have a mean look but they also say I look very nerdish or even stuck up. I guess it's true. I'm not exactly the nicest of all people and I'm a huge geek. I don't mind though, I enjoy education and school. I'm actually terrified of life after school, my love of life is school and learning. What will my life be when it's all over? I have time to worry about that though.
I read a quote recently that stated, "I spent my life folded between the pages of books. In the absence of human relationships I formed bonds with paper characters. I lived love and loss through stories threaded in history; I experienced." I love that quote a lot, I can really relate to it. I used to be much more of a people-person, now I've come to enjoy a bit of solitude. I don't like big groups. I mean I don't mind them, I just tend to not talk. I find it hard to have actual conversation when exceeding a group of 4 and I dread small talk. Not that I want every single conversation to be deep, that's utterly obnoxious, I just enjoy saying things when I talk, not just talking to hear myself.
I love to perform, such as theatre, singing, playing an instrument, or dancing. But I noticed that I always had improvising, whether it's in theatre or dance, I want to know exactly what I'm doing before I do it and if I improvise I tend to feel stupid or mess up. I hate performing without a script. I never minded presenting a project in school, I just tended to prefer doing all the writing and forcing someone else to present. It's just too much pressure to be myself in front of people, it's easier to portray a character.
I used to hate being seen as geeky or nerdy, now that's all people tend to see me as. I'm definitely no genius but I guess I come off as that because my friends almost always turn to me for school work. Which I don't mind, I like helping people, especially when I see the connection on their face about what they didn't understand before. It's just, I hate when my friends get so excited if I'm wrong they rub it in my face. I mean clearly I'm going to be wrong, I don't know everything. No where near that, actually. I'm just always seen with a book in my hand and strongly portray that I enjoy and respect education and learning. I'd rather be seen as a genius than anything else, I guess.
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